I wanted to be way more intentional about this log because it almost feels like I’ve been on autopilot the last few? Which isn’t a bad thing, necessarily—the idea was more or less that the format would lend itself to whatever state of mind we were in, and that was the appeal—but last week it felt like I was being willfully obstinate. You know when you’re not doing as much as you can and you know it? Quite a different thing than when you simply don’t have it in you. Perhaps it’s because something out there knew I needed some germination time, or perhaps it’s because the new ADHD meds weren’t right. Either way, I’m feeling good and intentional about where I am Now (which is, of course, always subject to change).
That said, I am finishing this a mere couple of hours before it’s release, so can people ever really change? Anyway…
What have you been working on?
To be perfectly honest? Taking photos the same way I did in 2017! I’ve never really stopped, but as the landscape of social media has changed over the last decade or so, I’ve developed a sense of hesitation around taking a photo for “the aesthetic,” for fear of it seeming inauthentic or disingenuous. But the reality is, the enjoyment I feel taking a beautiful photo and subsequently staring at it in my camera roll for weeks/months/years, far outweighs the slight discomfort of maybe being perceived as cringe. I love taking photos and I love having them as a thoughtful, beautiful way to remember my life. I’m working on getting back to that (and on quieting the part of the mind that feels like everything is being observed—but more on that later).
Here’s the latest:
What are you reading?
I finally finished Fruit of the Dead (which honestly might have been the first book I picked up to read this year??), and I’m trying to decide between Pure Color by Sheila Heti and Cult Classic by Sloane Crosley for my next!
What have you been listening to?
Not a lot (@ my boyfriend, this is your sign to buy the new turntable so we can listen to all the records we bought in the last six months), but I did listen to “Don’t Fear the Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult on repeat while I lifted weights the other day…
Have you seen anything good on TV or at the movies?
Movies:
I’ve skimped on my usual Tuesday movie the last couple weeks, but we did make sure to still support the theatre on a different night by seeing one of my favs, David Lynch’s Wild at Heart. Now, before you take this as a recommendation, I want to say that this is one of those movies that either works for you or it doesn’t. But boy howdy does it work for me. Nic Cage & Laura Dern play their roles perfectly, and Willem Dafoe plays his even better. The music is bananas, the Wizard of Oz motif is overdone in just the right way, and I’ve been singing “Love Me” by Elvis Presley for a solid week now. It’s weird and wonderful and knows what it’s doing even when you don’t — and it honestly doesn’t care whether you ever do!
Again, I’m not sure if it’s just something about me that makes people feel like my endorsement of something means they will like it, but it’s happened enough times in my life that I feel the need to reiterate the following:
My feelings about this movie are nowhere near universal—I’ve made a handful of people watch this movie and they have left it with what I can only imagine is a worse opinion of me as a person. Watch at your own risk!
If you do watch it because of me and hate it, don’t feel like you need to tell me! It will not change how I feel but I will very likely never share my opinion with you again!
Now that that’s been established, I love that movie, I love my local theatre, and I love you David Lynch!
TV:
We just started watching The Wire, and despite the fact that the theme song is not Kanye West’s “Through the Wire,” I’m still really enjoying it. I always love when an English actor has a solid American accent, and this show has two!! And it has Julius from Remember the Titans!!!
What’s been inspiring you lately?
Any existential crises lately?
I fear I may be in the midst of both the crisis and the solution these days. As mentioned above, I’m working on quieting the mind that feels it’s always being Observed. I could probably write an essay on this, and many have before me, but lately it has felt so both freeing and frightening to disconnect.
On the one hand, the desire I feel to remove myself from anything that might garner perception I’m not in control of is stronger than it’s ever been. It seems everything is scrutinized, or up for debate and commentary no matter what it is. I’ve seen friends post about the clothes they’re buying for their newborn child and the comments are “overconsumption-core” or “just a word of advice, don’t buy until you know what size they are, you have no idea if they’ll fit in that holiday outfit by the time they reach that age,” from people they do not know! Everything warrants a comment or a take, and even if it doesn’t get that, it’s still being observed. Unplugging from all of it seems like the healthiest thing we can do.
And yet, our global state makes community feel more important than it ever has. The best action to take is toward your community, the best folks to help are those disenfranchised within your own community, the place where real change is made is within your community! There are, of course, ways to involve yourself within your community that don’t involve social media and posting and everything that comes along with that, but I can’t deny the overwhelming positives I’ve had from building community via social media—I mean, half of you here are my friends “from Online,” you know?
I don’t know… these thoughts are only half-baked. But I guess I just wanted to say that in the midst of this back-and-forth, I’ve found a lot of joy in doing things for myself that don’t involve the observation of others. Gardening, sitting in the sun, taking photos—hell I even made bagels Saturday morning! It feels really good to do things that bring you back to your body, to your home, to the life you’ve created outside of the one perceived by others. The only salve I’ve found to the unfavorable happenings of the world at large is by making my world (the world at small?) more intentionally lovely. Even if that’s just for me.
Was any of that coherent? Probably not, so here are the bagels:
Sleeper hit of the week?
This little bundle of dill I harvested for pickling that looks like a little Polish grandma in a babushka:
That’s all from me today, babies. Bye now!
Leyna